Tangled Yarn

I'm sure you've had the experience of untangling a ball of yarn or string or an extension cord or necklace chain.  You know that feeling of finally sorting out the confusion only to have the mess tighten up in another spot.  I see a tangle as a personal challenge (or maybe a personal affront) and I hate to lose.  I have spent hours sitting with an unruly yarn mass trying to make order out of it. 

Years ago, I had a summer where I did not sleep for weeks on end.  I was having anxiety attacks multiple times a day.  I was crying and frightened and I had no idea why.  I remember thinking, "This makes no sense--things are going well in my life but I am a tangled mess."

At the encouragement of my family, I had to seek help.  I had to sort out what was going on.  It did not take long to discover that my current "tangle" had more to do with things that had happened years earlier than the present.  I had been carrying hurts and sadnesses for years and I had covered over them convincing myself that all was well.  Now it was time to go to work with the same determination with which I would tackle an out-of-control ball of yarn.

First I had to tell the truth about the facts of my life.  I had to call sin sin.  I had to bring things that had been living in secret into God's light.  This was not a comfortable process.  Just like the yarn I would pick and pick at those tight knotted places until finally they would loosen and release.  But sometimes just as I would get one area exposed, another area would pull closed.  I had to stick with it and leave no area unexamined in my life.

Second I had to challenge the lies that had been placed in my life about who I was and who God was.  Like many people, I was seeing God through the lens of my imperfect earthly father.  I did not (and at times still don't) understand perfect love.  I had no concept of unconditional love.  I thought I had to perform or do something to be loved--that's a lie, an awful part of the tangle.

Recently I have been reading 1 Corinthians 13:4-7 over and over again.  This gives us a working definition of perfect love.  It lets us know who God is because scripture says, "God is love."  It also gives us the framework for how to love others but most of all how to love ourselves.

Now back to our yarn!  When I get all the confusion sorted out, I have a huge sense of accomplishment.  But the other more wonderful thing is that the beautiful, perfectly round yarn ball is created with the exact same fiber as the once tangled mess.  There is no need to throw the yarn away and start over.  No, the yarn is redeemed and ordered and put to it's intended purpose.  God is taking the hurts, the joys, the good and bad experiences of my life and he is ordering them for his purposes.  He is making sense out of my tangle.