Drain, Fill, Dwell

Each afternoon at 3:00 I start the dialysis process.  For sixteen hours I go through five three-part cycles.  The first part of those cycles is the "drain."  All the old sugar solution in my abdominal cavity must be drained out.  The next part is the "fill."  New solution must be put back in.  And lastly there is the "dwell."  That is the hours when the sugar solution just stays put to do it's job of gathering fluid (just like sugar on strawberries).

Shortly after I was trained in this home dialysis therapy, it occurred to me that the process was identical to the emotional healing that has been taking place in my life.  I, like many people, had some rough places in my early childhood that had left me hurt and broken.  I have been on a journey to allow God to heal those things and get rid of their ongoing impact on my life. 

Often when I go through the "drain" during my dialysis sessions, it is uncomfortable.  My nurses call it "pain on drain."  (Nothing like a cute little rhyme to describe such an unpleasant occurrence.)  It is physically upsetting and it can be emotionally upsetting because I don't know when the pain will end.  Finding the resolve to bring past hurts into the light of God's love and healing has been a painful exercise.  Why would I want to dredge up those old things, feel shame or relive the harmful
experiences--that hurts and how long will it take before the pain ends?  But the old has to go so the new can come. 

In the New Testament it says, " Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come:  The old has gone, the new is here!"  (2 Corinthians 5:17)  That is what has been happening.  I can't say it has been the quickest journey I've ever been on--in fact at times the progress is unperceivable.  But the old is going and I am being filled with the new abundant life that God has promised.  I am finding joy and starting to challenge the lies that entered my life along with the hurts and harms. 


I am being filled with simple things I use to be too busy or sad to notice--a ride around a nearby lake, a herd of deer walking through the farm field behind our house, our silly gray cat jumping on our old dog's back.   I am being filled by seeing "snowglobe" snow through the window panes in our family room and by the evening newscast of a soldier returning home to surprise his/her child at school.  I am filled with pleasure as I watch my daughters flourish and find their passions in life (they are so much smarter than I was at their ages).  I am filled when I get to teach children of Jesus' inexhaustible love for them.

And then there's that third part of the cycle--the "dwell."   During the night I can check the LCD display on my dialysis machine to track the progress of the "drain" or the "fill" but when it's the "dwell" part of the cycle I have to just wait.  There is nothing that can be measured or tracked.  I don't like this part of the the night cycle because I can't tell what is happening.  I just have to trust that the sugar solution is doing it's job.  I have no control at this point.

The last three and half years of my life have been the longest "dwell" I have ever experienced.  There have been many points where I felt God had deserted me.   At times I have felt prayer was completely useless .  I have spent hours laying on our couch wondering why God spared my life and what in the world did I now have to offer.  The darkness has been palpable and I have not enjoyed waiting for God to reveal His next move.  I have questioned whether I have done something wrong and whether or not the promise I felt God made to me years before I became ill was just my wishful thinking or something to which I should steadfastly hold.  I don't know what is happening and I am not in control!  In the Old Testament God reaches out to His nation of Israel who has been exiled and He says, " For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." (Jeremiah 29:11)  I am holding on to these words in my "dwell."