A Selfie

"Ready to go?  We have to get down to New York in plenty of time to get through the security lines at the airport."  We were on our way to Ecuador to help Jim's brother and sisier-in-law pack to leave Ecuador after forty years of their ministry.

I was very excited about seeing Mike and Carol.  I was anxious to eat good food with the family and shop in the colorful markets (especially in Octavalo).

In spite of all my hopes, I had to admit that I did not feel well.  I thought it was exhaustion from the long flight or possibly altitude sickness (Quito is at 10,000 feet).  All I could think about was sleeping.

After two weeks of sight seeing and going down to the coast, it was time to say "good-bye."  We headed back to the USA.  We had hours and hours to kill in the Miami airport.  Our out-going gate was changed seven times (welcome home).  I was so weak I could not move without Jim's help.  It was the first inkling that something was seriously wrong.

After weeks of twenty hours a day sleeping, I was diagnosed with end-stage kidney failure.  I spent three weeks in the hospital.  During that time I was also shown to have thyroid cancer.

This month it has been six years since this physical journey began.  I lost the use of my legs due to Cushings Syndrome.  The Syndrome also caused my legs to be so brittle that I broke both my ankles and one shin thus spending three months in rehab centers.  I had to have a breast lumpectomy. I struggle with constant neuropathy.  Most recently I have been bleeding internally and losing my hemoglobin.

Because of all these physical complications, I've had to give up my children's ministries at church (being Miss Stephanie).   I had to relinquish my piano teaching and jewelry making.  I  couldn't cook and bake.  I had to stop walking and driving.

Hours and hours I have spent wondering, "who am I without being able to do these things. Do I have a purpose;  do I matter even though my body is an empty shell?"

Do you know who you would be if you could not "do" anything?  If your life was stripped of it's activity, would you have value?  How do you define yourself?

Gemstones

Thirty-five years ago this summer Jim and I were planning our wedding.  We were picking out gray suits for the groomsmen.  I was sewing coral bridemaids' dresses and men's ties to match.  Our friends and neighbors were growing and arranging the bridal flowers (my bouquet was a wild flower bouquet of Queen Anne's lace, which I love to this day).  And Jim and I went to a gemologist to pick out our wedding rings

Mr. Moyer had a charming jewelry shop in Allentown, Pennsylvania with beautiful display cases and all his jeweler's tools and scopes carefully laid out.  The man was so personable and he told us that this was a second career for him and we could tell that he was in love with his new found path in life.  As Mr. Moyer showed us diamonds and settings he explained that he had travelled to the diamond mines in South Africa to see how the mining process worked.

"Diamonds love dirt," our new friend said.  I smiled.  What a funny thing to blurt out, I thought.

Mr Moyer went on to say, "they mine diamonds in vats of grease.  The ore runs on a conveyor belt through three vats of grease and because they are attracted to dirt they get trapped.  All that to say, if you want your engagement ring to look its best you will have to clean it frequently because your diamond will love dirt."

Relationships love dirt.  They are naturally attracted to conflict, misunderstanding, frustration, anger and selfishness.  To have the best and most fulfilling relationships, they have to be regularly maintained.  In the New Testament book of Ephesians, chapter four it talks of this very thing.  "Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry."--maintenance.

I have to admit that while I value my relationship with God as though it were a gemstone, it has needed much maintenance lately.  I have experienced misunderstanding (what in the world are you up to, God), frustration, and even anger.  It takes surrender to the knowledge that God is good and only good to keep this gemstone clean.

The Rain Umbrella

I was five and a half (the half was very important) and it was the summer before I was to start kindergarten.  I had attended my Kindergarten Visit Day and I was very proud of what I learned and I was anticipating the start of my academic career.  I had practiced walking the route to my little brick elementary school (my mom had four children under the age of five and a half and it was unlikely she would be able to walk with me every afternoon--times were different back then.)

I could hardly wait to start school.  I was the oldest sibling in my family and the oldest grandchild as well, so I was the first to embark on the new experience.  My grandmother wanted to be a part of the new adventure and she asked my mother if we could all go shopping so she could buy me a few school necessities.  My mother was delighted for the help so we travelled from New Jersey to Connecticut to shop at the large Post Mall.

Grammie took mom and I to her favorite department store, Reeds.  We walked through the Children's Department.  We picked out a couple of colorful school outfits (most suitable for cold weather).  Then the most incredible thing happened to my five and a half year old self!  My grandmother spotted a display of children's rain gear.

"Stephie will definitely need a rain coat and umbrella, especially if she is going to walk to Mrs. Wilhelm's afternoon class."

Did my ears just hear her correctly?  Was Grammie talking about me having my own umbrella?

The three of us ladies pawed through the rain coat choices on the rack.  We settled on a blue and white check ensemble--a rain coat and a matching umbrella (and not just any umbrella, but a bubble umbrella).  I was going to be the coolest kid in my family, in my grade, in my school, in my town, maybe even the world!

Every night from then on until the night before the first day of school I prayed, "dear God please let it rain on the first day of school. Please, please let it rain."

It did not rain on my first day of kindergarten but it rained plenty of other days and my bubble umbrella and I weathered many rainstorms.

In the past years, I have needed a bubble umbrella to shelter me from the storms.  Psalm 91, verse one says: "Whoever dwells in the shelter of the Most High will rest in the shadow of the Almighty."--a protective bubble.

White Stone

"I've got our picnic, blanket and jackets. Do you have the tickets," I said to Jim.

We were able to buy "shed" tickets to a summer James Taylor concert at Tanglewood in western Massachusetts' Berkshire mountains at a deep discount. In my wildest dreams  I never thought we would ever get James Taylor tickets at Tanglewood let alone shed seats instead of lawn seats!

"Wow, the skies look ominous. I hope the rain clouds blow over," Jim and I commented.

Sadly, the farther up into the Berkshires we drove in our old teal green Volvo wagon, the more the raindrops fell.

"Do you think the rain will thin out the crowds? Who wants to sit on wet grass for hours in the rain to listen to a concert," I asked Jim. "Boy are we lucky to have seats under the pavilion roof."

When we arrived at the venue, we had to park in a grassy field. (Little did we know that hours later we would be stuck hubcap deep in mud in that field--an unwelcome adventure to say the least.) We persevered, putting on our jackets, grabbing our food and blanket and locking the car. We walked up the hill only to learn that we could not take our undercover seats until the concert began, so we had to eat our "gourmet" picnic out on the grass under a tree that dripped raindrops on us.  We tried to view the soggy inconvenience as romantic because, after all, it was James Taylor!  We would make it work.

We underestimated the resolve of James' fans. The lawn was covered with folks determined to get a glimpse of the singer and hear his old familiar songs. Even though park rangers moved through the crowd asking people to take down the make-shift tents they had pitched to shelter from the rain, everyone obliged and pressed ahead. (Jim and I felt so blessed to be able to show our tickets and find dry seats in the "shed.")  We were in for a wonderful evening. Despite all the challenges, we left the concert full of joy and and cherished memories. We were so glad we went!

In the biblical book of Revelation it says:

"To him who overcomes, I will  give some of the hidden manna [eternal life]. I will also give him a white stone with a new name written on it, known only to him who receives it." 

I love the idea of overcoming--persevering, hanging in there, conquering, not giving up--so that we might receive a white stone. (White stones were the "tickets/invitations" of the day when John wrote  the words of Revelation.) Going through all the earthly challenges and not giving up gets an invitation to the wonderful banquet God has in store for us. It will be worth it-- like a great concert in the rain.  Hang in there!

Manna

"Steph, I'm taking a calligraphy course, would you like me to show you what I'm learning so you can do it too?," asked my friend, Becky.

"That I would be great," I answered enthusiastically.

My friend gave me lined practice sheets and showed me at what angle I should hold the chiseled calligraphy pen.  The two of us threw ourselves into our newest artistic endeavor.  We made signs for church and beautiful gift tags. We lettered verses and sayings and then framed the pieces to give away as gifts.  Knowing the basics of the pretty penmanship opened up all kinds creative worlds.

When Jim and I were preparing to move from Ohio to New York, Becky took me out to lunch.  Part way through our meal, she handed me a small package.  "Here is a little something for you as you and Jim head off to seminary."

I open the wrapped gift to find a blond wooden frame surrounding the calligraphed saying (in Becky's style), "God has not lost his recipe for manna."

"I thought you might need that reminder," said my dear friend.

That little picture has hung in every home we've lived in since.  And we have needed the reminder that just like God sent daily bread (manna) to his Hebrew people as they left Egypt for the promise land, He will do the same for us.  When God sent food for each day with the morning dew, he told his people to take only what they needed for that day (there was no going to Costco to stock up on manna).  "Give us this day our daily bread."

I am learning that my healing journey has been receiving enough "manna" for one day at a time.  There has been no stocking up.  Jesus says he is the bread of life.  So each day I ask him for his provision and grace to carry me through one more day--manna.

Sun Light

This morning I wheeled myself into the kitchen to cook a "hearty" breakfast to carry us through our busy day.

"It's so beautiful today.  I wonder if it's cold," I said to Jim as he was on his way out for his morning walk wearing his hooded sweatshirt and his ever-so-attractive green fluorescent safety vest.

"I think it's chilly.  I'll be back in a bit," he said as he gave me a quick kiss and went out the door.

I rolled my wheelchair over to the stove and tugged at the bottom pot drawer until I got it open.  I pulled out a non-stick frying pan to cook bacon and eggs.  By now the sun had risen high in the blue sky and there were rays of light streaming through our multi-paned windows into the kitchen.

 

As I fried the strips of bacon, the house began to fill with a wonderful aroma and a foggy bacon "haze" caught in the sun rays.

I rolled back and forth across our wide-planked floors setting the table, getting eggs, toasting bagels and pouring cranberry and orange juice.  And as I did, the bright light of the the sun caught my eyes and suddenly our supposedly clean Shaker cabinets and floors showed every imperfection and every speck of dirt.  "Wow,  everything needs a good scrubbing," I thought.

In the past six years, I have rolled back and forth through my life feeling that in spite of all my physical challenges I have lived a pretty clean life.  It is only when the light of God shines in me that the subtle negative heart attitudes, impatient thoughts, and occasional sulking are exposed.  God my Father is not trying to point out my failures to show me up.  Rather He is shining His light in the dark places so that loving cleansing and forgiveness can take place--a good scrubbing.

The New Testament book of 1 John says:  "If we claim to be without sin, we deceive ourselves and the truth is not in us.  If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness."

Step into the Son light.

The Tattoo

Years ago when we began to recognize that our young daughters were wonderfully artistic, we decided to take a scenic ride up through the Berkshire Mountains to the Norman Rockwell museum.   We took the girls through each of the displays:  the story of Rockwell's life,  his early paintings, and eventually into the room with his Saturday Evening Post covers.  "Look at this one," were the delighted words as we looked at the walls of paintings.  We couldn't take in what we were seeing fast enough.

The Post covers, famous to this day, told the life of war-time and small town America.  I love "The Gossips," "Triple Self Portrait,"  "The Problem We All Live With (Ruby Bridges)," "Girl with Black Eye," "The Marriage License" to name a few.  One of our daughters was attracted to "Girl at the Mirror."

I think one of my favorite Norman Rockwell paintings is, "The Tattoo Artist."  It is the whimsical record of a sailor's love life.   Each of the lady's names was tattooed on the sailor's muscular arm and when a new girlfriend came into his life the name of the former girl was crossed out by the tattoo artist.

Recently a niece of mine posted a picture of a tattoo she got.  She has two daughters who she calls her "princesses."  She had each of their names and birthdates tattooed over her heart.  She will carry them with her always.  They will be forever in her mind.

In the Old Testament book of Isaiah, God says, "See, I have engraved you on the palms of my hands;  your walls are ever before me."  The same hands that bear the love scars of the cross, bear your name.  He will never forget you or abandon you.  Your name will never be crossed out.